A group of elite mathematicians have finally solved a problem that has puzzled millions of investors for about two decades now. “It took us about four years to get here, but man does it feel good” John Calculus, the lead mathematician, told SVChronicle. “I was working on the P versus NP problem for about 10 years before moving onto solving two problems in parallel: discovering the largest prime number, and estimating the value of Amazon’s long term. But when Curtis Cooper beat me to discovering the largest known prime number, I started focusing on the Amazon problem one hundred percent” a visibly excited John Calculus told our reporter.

It needs to be noted that Amazon had renamed their ‘Earnings Call’ To ‘Revenue Call’, and had started working on drones to deliver profits at shareholders’ doorsteps.